Practical MIDI

Imagine this scenario, if you will. I’m sitting in my dentist’s chair getting my teeth cleaned. When I find a gap in the work where I can talk, I tell him, “Say doc, when the next patient comes in can I pull his tooth?” You can just about imagine what my dentist would say to me.

A little far-fetched? Try this one. While I’m sitting in the barber chair I mention to my barber, “Hey, when the next guy comes in for his haircut, can I give it to him? I’ve watched you do it. How hard can it be?” I’d guess after that conversation that I’d have to find another barber.', 'Okay, so I’m driving along and see some guy operating a power shovel and think how interesting and fun that looks. What do you suppose he’d say if I asked him if I could take a shot at digging out his client’s basement? You got it. He’d say no, as would any professional would if you asked them if you could do their job.

Where am I going with all of this, you ask? Last night I played another job at one of the local bars. I was in the middle of performing one of my many songs that night (using Cybermidi files, no less) and I can see someone standing in front of me like they want to ask me a burning question. The song ends and I politely ask what their request is. Some goofy girl (could just as well have been a goofy guy) says, “So which song can I sing?”

I ask the simple question, “Are you any good?”

To which she says, “No, but let me do it anyway.” Then she proceeds to push past me to get a look at my songbook to find a suitable number. Well, this has gone just far enough. I politely tell her to take a hike (not in those exact words) and she has the nerve to get miffed at me. Before I can start the next song she’s back with three guys and says, “Play ‘Margaritaville’ and let these guys sing it.”

Keep in mind I’d just played that very tune not ten minutes earlier. I said, “All three of them wanna sing it?”

She said, “No, play it three times and they’ll take turns singing it and we can have a contest to see who does it the best.”

ENOUGH ALREADY. This isn’t some karaoke show here. This is me trying to do my solo act. Although I have to be civil to the customers, I don’t have to take this kind of abuse. I am a professional musician, not some DJ or amateur hour host or talent scout looking for clients. If you’re gonna come hear me play, just sit there and listen or request that I play one of your favorite tunes.

Call me hard-hearted. Call me rude. Call me insensitive. Just don’t call what I do a karaoke act. I didn’t adopt this attitude overnight. I had to learn the hard way. I let someone come up and sing when they promised me they were good. Well, we weren’t ten seconds into the song when I felt the overwhelming urge to pull the plug on my main power cord. After the song was over, I got on my microphone and told the audience, “OK, new rule…NO GUEST SINGERS.”

All right, so I’m a little short on tact. The point I’m trying to make in this column is that I’ve put in my years. I’ve paid my dues. I think I’m entitled to perform my act without any help from the Peanut Gallery. Keep that in mind next time you’re out at the bar taking in the local talent.

End of sermon.

©2002 Bill Bernico for CYBERMIDI.com Downwind Publications